Dark Humor Jokes

I have a joke about trickle-down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

I'm not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.

What's the difference between a hipster and a homeless person? About three months.

I told my psychiatrist I've been hearing voices. He told me I don't have a psychiatrist.

Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.

I have a stepladder. Because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.

What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits a windshield? Its butt.

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down, unlike my grandfather.

Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.

What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a tricycle? Attire.

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

I was going to tell a dead baby joke. But I decided to abort.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side... of existence.

What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

Why don't graveyards have Wi-Fi? Because people are dying to get in.

What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.

I'm not saying I'm lazy, but I'm seriously considering hiring someone to scroll through my phone for me.

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing. Unless you're at a funeral.

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face. For instance, when you push them down the stairs.

Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for a day. Push him out of the plane and he flies for the rest of his life.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly a clown into a tiny car.

What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can't be found.

I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out.

Never break someone's heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?"

What fits in a small box and is red and white? A baby in a blender.

Why did the little girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.

My wife told me she's leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees. I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face...

I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.

Why was the leper hockey game cancelled? There was a face off in the corner.

What's the difference between a baby and a sweet potato? About 140 calories.

My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don't even care.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus. And I lost my job as a bus driver.

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.

What's the best part about vegetable jokes? The wheelchairs.

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run inside and tell my wife, but then I remembered why I was digging in the garden.

What is the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead bodies? I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

"You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera."

Cremation. My final hope for a smoking hot body.

I was reading a book about an immortal dog. It was impossible to put down.

Dark humor is like food. Not everyone gets it.

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives on a date.

Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn't a mourning person.

Suicide prevention hotline... please hold.

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying "You'll be next!" They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

What's yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children.

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.

Why did the boy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.

"Mom, can I have the dog for Christmas?" "No, we're having turkey."

How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles? Nail its other hand to the floor.

I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.

Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you're prepared for the reaper cushions.

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

What's the difference between me and cancer? My dad didn't beat cancer.

What has four legs and one arm? A happy pitbull.

A man killed his entire family. When the judge asked why, he said he wanted to watch TV but they were making too much noise. The judge said "That's no excuse." The man replied "Well, it was a really good show."

Why don't cannibals eat friends? Because they are hard to come by.

What is the difference between a pizza and a musician? A pizza can feed a family of four.

My girlfriend said "I'd like to get married in a place where I can see the ocean and feel the wind." So I tied her to the mast of a ship.

Why are friends a lot like snow? If you pee on them, they disappear.

What's the difference between a depressing joke and a funeral? The funeral has food.

"Doctor, I'm suicidal." "Pay in advance."

Why is the Leaning Tower of Pisa like a drug addict? They both have no stability.

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate and then burn them. I've done that, but now what do I do with the letters?

I visited my friend at the hospital. He was in bad shape. He said "I'm going to die." I said "I know, I asked for your room number at reception and they said 'which one?'"

Dark humor is like a pair of legs. Not everyone has them.

I asked my Siri "Why am I still single?" She activated the front camera.

Why did the man commit suicide? He wanted to get ahead.

I saw a man dragging a body through the woods. I thought "That's a lot of work for one person." So I helped him.

I was at a funeral and I asked the widow "Do you mind if I say a word?" She said "Please do." I stood up, cleared my throat and said "Plethora." She said "Thanks, that means a lot."

I was at a funeral and I asked the widow "Do you mind if I say a word?" She said "Please do." I stood up, cleared my throat and said "Bargain." She said "Thanks, that means a great deal."

What do you call a dead magician? An abra-cadaver.

Why do orphans play tennis? Because it's the only time they get love to 40.

Start every phone call with "I've done it. Now what?"

"Daddy, what is a dark humor?" "See that man with no arms? Tell him to clap." "Dad, I'm blind." "Exactly."

Today I saw a sign "Free Yoga for Seniors". I thought "Wow, that's not a bad trade."

"My wife is missing." "How long?" "Two weeks." "Why are you reporting it now?" "I ran out of clean clothes."

Why did the emo kid get kicked out of the choir? He only sang in flats.

What's the best thing about 4chan? The porn. What's the worst thing? The comments.

Why did the man sleep under his bed? Because he was a little scaredy cat.

What do you call a dog with no legs? Cigarette. Because you take him for a drag.

"Grandpa, have you seen my pills? They were labeled LSD." "Screw the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?”

My diary... "Day 1: I am lost at sea. Day 2: I found a floating door. Day 3: I realized it was a door to a plane."

Why don't skeletons play music in church? They have no organs.

Why did the zombie eat the archer? He wanted the marrow.

What do you call a skeleton who won't work? Lazy bones.

I'm reading a book about stockings. It's sheer delight.

Why do vampires brush their teeth? To prevent bat breath.

Why did the man drown in muesli? He was pulled in by a strong currant.

What do you call a murderer with two legs? A bi-pedal homicide.

"Mom, Mom, I hate grandpa's guts." "Shut up and keep eating."

Knock knock. Who's there? Not the girl from the swing, that's for sure.

What do you call a blind deaf mute? A quiet darkness.

How do you save a drowning lawyer? Take your foot off his head.

Why did the baby cross the road? It was stapled to the chicken.

Why do people always say "break a leg" when you go on stage? Because every play has a cast.

I've got a great joke about a ceiling... but it's over your head.

What do you call an orphan taking a selfie? A family photo.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool? Bob.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at your door? Matt.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on a wall? Art.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russell.

Why did the blind man fall into the well? He couldn't see that well.

I started a charity for people who struggle to orgasm. I just can't make it come together.

Why do priests wear collars? To stop the swelling.