Relationships Jokes

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace." So I got her nothing.

My girlfriend said she needed time and distance. Is she calculating velocity?

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

The secret to a happy marriage is... still a secret.

My wife said I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.

I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change!"

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park.

My wife asked me to sync her phone. So I threw it in the ocean.

I'm not saying my wife is a bad cook, but our garbage disposal has developed an eating disorder.

My girlfriend is like a good lawyer. Great at making arguments.

Why do married people live longer? They can't argue with their spouse if they're dead.

My wife told me to go get something that makes her look sexy. So I came back drunk.

I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Love is spending the rest of your life with someone you want to kill and not doing it because you'd miss them.

My wife and I agreed to never go to bed angry. We've been awake for three days.

"Honey, do I look fat in this?" "You're perfect, now promise me you won't ask that again."

My boyfriend is like a student loan. He's always there and I'll be paying for him for years.

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

My girlfriend complains that I don't buy her flowers. I didn't even know she sold flowers.

My wife says I have two faults. I don't listen, and ... something else.

A relationship is like a house. When a lightbulb burns out you do not go and buy a new house, you fix the lightbulb.

My wife only stopped being mad at me when I bought her a new necklace. It was a chain reaction.

My wife told me to stop singing "I'm a Believer". I thought she was joking, then I saw her face.

Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Women are like volcanoes. They're calm and beautiful, until you disturb them.

My wife asked, "If I died, would you get married again?" I said, "Maybe." She said, "Would you let her wear my clothes?" I said, "No, she's much smaller than you."

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

When a woman says "What?", it's not because she didn't hear you. She's giving you a chance to change what you said.

My wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

Why do wives use twice as many words as their husbands? Because they have to repeat everything they say.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills. She said, "You're an 8 on a scale of 10." I said, "I don't get it."

Trust is like a paper, once it's crumpled it can't be perfect again.

Never laugh at your wife's choices. You are one of them.

My wife loves to talk to me during sex. Last night she called me from a hotel.

My wife said, "You're such a child." I said, "I am not!" She said, "Then why are you building a fort?"

Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

When a couple argues, the one who is wrong does the talking. The one who is right does the screaming.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

My wife asked if she was pretty or ugly. I said she was pretty ugly.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Marriage is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

My wife sets the alarm for 6am but wakes up at 7am. I don't get it.

Arguing with a woman is like reading the software license agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click "I agree".

The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We had some drinks, cool guy, wants to be a web developer.

Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.

Before marriage, a man yeans for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

My wife says I don't respect her privacy. At least that's what it says in her diary.

Why did the man buy his wife a mood ring? So he'd know when she was in a good mood to talk.

My wife says I have a selective memory. I don't remember her saying that.

My girlfriend said she wanted to feel special. So I bought her a helmet.

I asked my wife what she wanted for our anniversary. "Something with diamonds," she said. So I bought her a deck of cards.

My wife and I have a secret to a lasting marriage. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Relationships are like algebra. You look at your X and you wonder Y.

Women are like swimming pools. They cost a lot to maintain, and you spend most of your time just outside, staring at them.

My wife told me to go get something that makes her look sexy. So I came back drunk.

"Honey, do I look fat in this?" "You're perfect, now promise me you won't ask that again."

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

I tried to re-marry my ex-wife. But she figured out I was only after my money.

My girlfriend said "You are childish." "I know you are, but what am I?"

My wife treats me like a god. She ignores my existence until she wants something.

"I love you." "Is that you or the beer talking?" "It's me talking to the beer."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Why does Santa go down the chimney? Because it soot's him.

My wife stood in front of the mirror and said, "I look fat, old and ugly. I need a compliment." I said, "Your eyesight is perfect."

A man is incomplete until he gets married. Then he is finished.

Behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Marriage turns a man and woman into one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife drives like lightning. She hits trees.

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

My girlfriend left me because I'm too insecure. Oh wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.

They say love is more important than money, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?

Relationship Status: Looking for a WiFi connection.

I love you with all my butt. I would say heart, but my butt is bigger.

My wife asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

My girlfriend said she needed time and distance. Is she calculating velocity?

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

The secret to a happy marriage is... still a secret.

My wife said I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.

I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change!"

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

My wife asked me to sync her phone. So I threw it in the ocean.

I'm not saying my wife is a bad cook, but our garbage disposal has developed an eating disorder.

My girlfriend is like a good lawyer. Great at making arguments.

I love you more than coffee. But please don't make me prove it.

My boyfriend and I met on the internet. My mother asked him what line he used on me. He said, "I just used a modem."

Relationships are like fat people. Most of them don't work out.