I'm not saying I'm old, but I remember when emojis were called hieroglyphics.

My wife asked me to stop singing "Wonderwall." I said maybe.

I told my wife she should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

I'm not saying my wife is a bad cook, but our garbage disposal has developed an eating disorder.

What's the difference between your job and your wife? After five years, your job still sucks.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.

I'm not saying I'm getting old, but I just bought a new car and the first thing I did was adjust the seat.

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!

Why don't elephants use computers? They're afraid of the mouse.

What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.

Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!

What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain.

Why don't oysters donate to charity? Because they're shellfish.

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.

Why did the chicken go to the séance? To talk to the other side.

What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador.

Why don't ants get sick? They have tiny ant-ibodies.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.

Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

How do you organize a space party? You planet.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired!

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese!

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.

I have a joke about trickle-down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

I'm not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.

What's the difference between a hipster and a homeless person? About three months.

I told my psychiatrist I've been hearing voices. He told me I don't have a psychiatrist.

Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.

I have a stepladder. Because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.

What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits a windshield? Its butt.

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down, unlike my grandfather.

Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.

What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a tricycle? Attire.

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese!

I donut care what anyone says, you're the best!

Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.

I followed my heart and it led me to the fridge.

Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because it felt crumbly.

What's a vampire's favorite fruit? A blood orange.

Why did the banana go to the doctor? It wasn't peeling well.

I'm soy into you.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts.

What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

I invented a new word: Plagiarism.

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.

What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.

Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.

Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.

I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode.

I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.

I'm not saying I'm Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room?

I'm not saying I'm old, but I remember when emojis were called hieroglyphics.

I'm not saying I'm lazy, but I'm seriously considering hiring someone to scroll through my phone for me.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

I'm not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

I'm not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.

I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I'm pretty close.

I'm not saying I'm Wonder Woman, I'm just saying no one has ever seen me and Wonder Woman in the same room together.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last long if you're fat.

I'm not saying I'm old, but my birth certificate is in Roman numerals.

I love you more than coffee. But please don't make me prove it.

You're the reason I look down at my phone and smile. Then walk into things.

I love you with all my butt. I would say heart, but my butt is bigger.

You're the cheese to my macaroni.

I love you even when I'm hangry.

You're my favorite notification.

I love you more than pizza. And I really love pizza.

You're the reason I wake up every day. Well, you and my alarm clock.

I love you like a fat kid loves cake.

You're my favorite distraction.

I love you more than my phone. And that's saying something.

You're the peanut butter to my jelly.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia. She whispered, "They're right behind you."

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.

I'm reading a book about teleportation. It's bound to take me places.

Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.

My math teacher called me average. How mean!

I'm trying to organize a hide and seek competition, but it's really hard to find good players.

I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it's two tired.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!

I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field!

I would avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.

I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y.

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace." So I got her nothing.

My girlfriend said she needed time and distance. Is she calculating velocity?

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

The secret to a happy marriage is... still a secret.

My wife said I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.

I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.

Why don't basketball players go on vacation? They'd get called for traveling.

What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.

Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarterback.

What's a boxer's favorite drink? Punch.

Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two tired.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick.

Why don't tennis players ever get married? Because love means nothing to them.

What's a cheerleader's favorite color? Yeller.

Why did the baseball player go to jail? Because he stole second base.

What do you call a fish that plays basketball? A ball hog.

What's a runner's favorite subject? Jog-raphy.

Why do programmers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs!

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem.

I would tell you a UDP joke, but you might not get it.

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't.

A SQL query walks into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks... "Can I join you?"

Why do Java developers wear glasses? Because they don't C#.

What's a programmer's favorite hangout place? Foo Bar.

Why did the developer go broke? Because he used up all his cache.

How do you comfort a JavaScript bug? You console it.

What do you call a programmer from Finland? Nerdic.

Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.

A programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

I'm not saying I hate my job, but if I won the lottery, I'd still show up just to quit in person.

My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

The only thing I gained from my job is weight.

My resume is just a list of things I never want to do again.

Coffee: because adulting is hard.

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

My job is secure. No one else wants it.

I'm not procrastinating, I'm doing side quests.

I asked my boss for a raise. He said, "Because of the fluctuational predisposition of your position's productive capacity as juxtaposed to the industry standards, it would be monetarily injudicious to advocate an increment." I said, "I don't get it." He said, "That's right."

The problem with troubleshooting is that trouble shoots back.

I'm not saying my coworkers are dumb, but one of them asked if we had any vegetarian options at the steakhouse.