One-Liners Jokes

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia. She whispered, "They're right behind you."

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.

I'm reading a book about teleportation. It's bound to take me places.

Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.

My math teacher called me average. How mean!

I'm trying to organize a hide and seek competition, but it's really hard to find good players.

I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

I told my computer I needed a break. Now it won't stop sending me Kit-Kats.

I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.

I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

I have a fear of speed bumps. But I'm slowly getting over it.

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey. But I turned myself around.

I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y.

I used to hate facial hair. But then it grew on me.

I'm terrified of elevators. I'm taking steps to avoid them.

I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.

I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

I used to be a baker. But I couldn't make enough dough.

I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.

I plan to live forever. So far, so good.

A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

I'm not bossy, I just have better ideas.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Be the kind of person your dog thinks you are.

Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you're done.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

The road to success is always under construction.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it's a beautiful day.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy saving mode.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

Don't worry, the spider is smaller than you. "Yeah, so is a grenade."

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

It's not a bug, it's a feature.

I speak fluent sarcasm.

Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.

My life feels like a test I didn't study for.

I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.

I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you.

I'm not shy, I'm just holding back my awesomeness so I don't intimidate you.

I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated to do nothing.

I'm not weird, I'm limited edition.

I'm not short, I'm fun sized.

I'm not old, I'm a classic.

I'm not lost, I'm exploring.

I'm not ignoring you, I'm just prioritizing my peace of mind.

I'm not grumpy, I just have a low tolerance for stupidity.

I'm not bossy, I just have better ideas.

I'm not stubborn, my way is just better.

I'm not addicted to chocolate, we're just in a committed relationship.

I'm not a control freak, but you're doing it wrong.

I'm not fat, I'm just easier to see.

I'm not sweating, my fat is crying.

I'm not clumsy, The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the wall gets in the way.

I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested.

I'm not yelling, I'm just projecting my voice.

I'm not sleeping, I'm checking my eyelids for holes.

I'm not late, everyone else is simply early.

I'm not sarcastic, I'm just intelligent beyond your understanding.

I'm not anti-social, I'm anti-idiot.

I'm not always right, but I'm never wrong.

I'm not rude, I'm honest.

I'm not staring, I'm zoning out.

I'm not gossiping, I'm networking.

I'm not disorganized, I just have everything on display.

I'm not aging, I'm leveling up.